The Regulation and Style of Maritime Museum Volunteers (Male)
Volunteers should be selected from the ranks of the mature population and should be of a sober & presentable disposition. Facial hair is a bonus, implying sea experience. A small percentage of Cornishmen will satisfy the Race Relations Act.
Visual expressions and manner must accord with one of the following:
- A welcoming smile – when approaching visitors who have come into the Museum to view the exhibits, rather than to escape the rain
- A thoughtful expression – When trying to think of an answer on a subject about which one knows absolutely nothing
- Convincing speech - When describing anything that the Visitor has no means of checking
- The pitying smirk - For people who ask ridiculous questions
- Obsequious smiles – Reserved for the Director, Trustees & Staff. These are graded 1 – 9 depending upon rank (4 is for Duty Managers)
- The fearsome glare - To be used on all children (unless larger than the Volunteer)
- The intelligent, pensive gaze – For use only by Library Personnel
- The rugged look - Boat Repair Personnel only (Accompanied by the humming of sea shanties and a rolling gait)
- The personal Radio - This is vital to a Volunteer’s presence. If it is heard calling (regardless of to whom), the Volunteer should immediately turn down the volume and simulate a response (without depressing the Tx button). “ROGER – WILLCO - OVER & OUT” will attract gazes of admiration.
Visitors will see that the Museum is in accord with the Directive by the extra V-shaped Logo on the front door.
Mike Pennell, Galleries
