April the what?

by NMMC's resident poet

Jokes on the First day of April
are part of Old English Folklore
but you won’t have to worry in future
for it just won’t occur anymore.

Don’t get excited about April Fool,
for the Boffins in Brussels are changing the rule.
The 1st clashes badly with Saint Griffin’s Day,
so the bureaucrats say there’s to be no more play.

Water Lily’s passengers won’t get their evening cruise,
(I’m sure we’ll get some money back on all the extra booze)
The strippers will be cancelled, & there’ll be no Duty Free,
(but there’ll be a trip on Sunday – just for fairy cakes & tea).

Rick Stein accepts that his takeover plan
of our Café & Restaurant has gone down the pan.
(He’s offering free chips with all of his fayre,
at his new abode just across our Events Square!!)

Pendennis Shipyard are re-thinking now,
though there’s room in the Boat shop for Hemisphere’s bow;
the rest of the craft will fill the Main Hall,
(and I don’t think our Visitors want that at all.)

The H. S. A. rules have been changed yet again,
We need even more Volunteers,
Two will be rostered throughout all the shifts
(with one person riding in each of the Lifts)

The coat racks are planned to be moving
to the toilets on every floor,
An attendant will give out the tickets
as the visitors check at the door.

And drifting across from Carrick Roads, the plaintive cry of
“April Fool "

Grumpy Volunteer Corner

by Keith Evans

A leaked memo which states that crabbing is imminent is causing concern amongst the crabs around the pontoon. The local chapel of the crab union has requested meaningful negotiations concerning the procedures and conditions involved in crabbing.

The following protocols have been submitted for negotiation:
1. The dignity of crabs must be maintained at all times
2. Bait must be fresh and varied and not out of date food debris
3. Buckets must be of reasonable size and depth of water sufficient to allow free movement
4. Only two crabs per bucket, one male and one female, unless otherwise requested by the crab members
5. Decibel levels from screaming kids must be within safety limits
6. Crabs reserve the right to nip obstreperous kids in self defence
7. Crabs must not be exposed to rain, hail, sleet, snow, cold winds, pollution or grubby little fingers
8. Return to the sea must be carried out in a humane way. At no time must a crab be airborne without a parachute being supplied
9. Post traumatic stress counselling must be offered.

Unless these conditions are met the Crab Union reserve the right to hold a ballot or a show of claws with a view to withdrawing co-operation and picketing the pontoon.

Grumpy Volunteer Corner

by Keith Evans

Spring must be here. The icebergs have melted, the polar bear and the penguin have migrated, the islets have reappeared on the pool but the snooty, tail wagging mermaid has not reappeared. She must have gone after a merman. When are we going to get a bikini clad damsel?

The ghosts of the St Nazaire raid in 1942 still come back to haunt us. I recently met an old lady who is the widow of a Naval officer on board one of the fleet of MTBs which took such heavy casualties. Few of the boats returned from that audacious raid which put the vital docks out of action for the rest of the war. He was taken prisoner. I showed her our exhibits and directed her to the memorial on the Prince of Wales pier.

A light story

by Martin Smith, volunteer

This happened today to Peter and myself within the Lighthouse exhibition.

A lady visitor was looking around and stopped to ask us a question concerning the exibition and the exibits. It turned out that the lady's father was a fulltime lighthouse keeper, who had started working for Trinity House at the age of 20 and had worked on every lighthouse in the British Isles including Isles of Scilly and thoughout the 1939-45 war. She told us his history of working two months on and one month at home. He was on Wolf Rock at one time and had to stay longer as they could not get him off due to bad weather. They survived on corned beef!

She remembers, with great affection, that whilst in the lighthouse he made her a cradle for her doll and a kennel for the family dog. He was a very proficient knitter and made things for all the family. On one occasion, a German U-boat ran aground on the rocks by the lighthouse. The Keeper was watching the U-boat with his telescope. The german on the conning tower thought it was a gun and opened fire on the lighthouse Keeper. Fortunately he wasn't hit.

One of the funny stories she told us was that her father claimed not to 'snore' in the curved bed of a lighthouse and yet whilst he was on leave at home he did! He finally retired on the lighthouse on the Isle of Wight (long after retirement age) and passed away in his 69th year in 1970 due to emphysema.

Not just the Cornish pasty

Following the street parties celebrating the long-overdue EC Directive regulating the use of the name Cornish Pasty, little publicity has been given to the latest Brussels agenda item. MEPs are in hot debate regarding amendments, but the draft document appears reasonably acceptable on the face of it.

The Regulation and Style of Maritime Museum Volunteers (Male)
Volunteers should be selected from the ranks of the mature population and should be of a sober & presentable disposition. Facial hair is a bonus, implying sea experience. A small percentage of Cornishmen will satisfy the Race Relations Act.

Visual expressions and manner must accord with one of the following:

• A welcoming smile – when approaching visitors who have come into the Museum to view the exhibits, rather than to escape the rain
• A thoughtful expression – When trying to think of an answer on a subject about which one knows absolutely nothing
• Convincing speech - When describing anything that the Visitor has no means of checking
• The pitying smirk - For people who ask ridiculous questions
• Obsequious smiles – Reserved for the Director, Trustees & Staff. These are graded 1 – 9 depending upon rank (4 is for Duty Managers)
• The fearsome glare - To be used on all children (unless larger than the Volunteer)
• The intelligent, pensive gaze – For use only by Library Personnel
• The rugged look - Boat Repair Personnel only (Accompanied by the humming of sea shanties and a rolling gait)
• The personal Radio - This is vital to a Volunteer’s presence. If it is heard calling (regardless of to whom), the Volunteer should immediately turn down the volume and simulate a response (without depressing the Tx button). “ROGER – WILLCO - OVER & OUT” will attract gazes of admiration.

Once this Directive has been ratified, Volunteers will be tested, and anyone failing to reach an acceptable EC standard will be rostered to Waterfront for an entire shift (with School).

Visitors will see that the Museum is in accord with the Directive by the extra V-shaped Logo on the front door.

Mike Pennell, Galleries

Briefing the boatbuilders

'OK Chaps, this is the story. The shop staff need some new display units and it's our job to make them. I need hardly say that this is a pretty tricky job and will require all our ingenuity and cunning.

'In my right hand is something we call wood. It's a mighty valuable resource and needs to be handled with care. It will take a nail or a screw and so is a pretty versatile material. You can even make a boat out of it but we don't do much of that sort of thing here; far too easy for real craftsmen. We mostly use boats for decoration or for leaning on.

'Now Men, let's see what we can do for those Front of House girls. Nothing but the best now. On the command "Lighthouse", be ready to go. Any questions? '

Budgetary Control

by Mike Pennell

Budget estimates depend upon good statistics and a well-tuned crystal ball.

In the course of six years gallery volunteering, I have completed an estimated 720 shifts. During this time my two 'uniform' shirts have been dhobied after every two or three wearings (approximately 130+ times each). I have just completed the turning of collar number two (number one done last year).

Due to high barometric pressure and the resultant anomalous propogation, my crystal ball is not reading accurately so I am unable to forecast the remaining life of each shirt. However, it is hoped that the initial statistics will assist the Museum's accounting staff for the year 2010/11.

Remember - forecasting is a dangerous practice, especially when looking into the future.

"I never make predictions. I never have and I never will." T. Blair