Brief for Orientation Volunteer
An alternative welcome speech written by an annonymous volunteer designed as an alternative to that provided for our orientation volunteer. Perhaps produced following the Director's request for improved customer service?
"So, welcome to the National Maritime Museum Cornwall.
You have all paid an arm and a leg to come in out of the rain, but anyone who knows nothing about boats or the sea should leave NOW - regrettably no refunds can be given as you have already signed for Gift Aid. You will be allowed to wait in the shop for your friends, provided that you buy something.
If you look above your heads, you will notice various boats hanging rather precariously from the roof. It is better to stand clear of them although none have fallen for over two weeks. The last casualty was an elderly main from America who was looking upwards and taking a picture at the time. His camera was not damaged and his widow has generously donated the picture to our Archivist.
Over to your left is a large vintage river cruiser. Originally used by wealthy people on the River Thames, it is now launched on our Director's birthday each year and takes him across the harbour to his favourite 'watering hole', the Chain Locker. You will notice it is steam powered and the boiler is stoked on those trips by a Volunteer like me.
There are a number of Volunteers working here; we do not receive any remuneration, but the box by the exit has room for all coins (plus a slot for paper money). We are given the fleece I am wearing, and the shirt, although trousers and shoes have to be bought from our meagre pensions. The badge on my name tag indicates that for five years I have not sworn at a visitor, or pushed a child into the boating pool.
If you are frightened of the dark, do NOT enter the large doorway on your right, and just accept that you will have to buy a book about lighthouses in our well stocked shop.
Now watch where my finger is pointing. Those with young children can move in that direction and let them play in the life-raft or lifeboat, but PLEASE remove any knives they may be carrying, because puncturing either craft bears a penalty of £5 (credit cards accepted).
Those paying attention will see I have moved my finger and am now indicating the direction you should take to visit the Lookout Tower or Tidal Zone (for the latter, Wellington boots may be loaned by the Front Desk staff for a nominal charge).
Ascending the tower by the stairway is not recommended for anyone over the age of 40, and if the elevator is not working, over 40s will have to hear about the magnificent view from their younger family members. If you DO use the elevator and it sticks between floors, ensure you all scream in unison as the maintenance staff are rather hard of hearing. Do NOT use the telephone within the elevator between the hours of 12 and 2 as it disturbs the staff who will be at lunch.
I hope you all enjoy your visit."
